, 8 min read
This is me at 23
What am I most afraid of?
It's a great question. The obvious answer is death. I'm most afraid of death. I'm very aware of the passage of time. I'm not going to be young forever, so I wanted to record what my life looks like right now. This is me at 23. This is my face right now, on a good day. This is how I look on most days. I usually don't dress up. These are my eyes. I expect they're going to change. This is one of my favorite nature spots. I found it recently, and I go there almost every day. I wanted to answer some questions just to remember how I felt and thought at 23.
How are you doing?
Getting right into it, huh? These questions are hard. Who wrote these? How I'm doing is generally sad. But also guilty because I know I shouldn't be feeling sad because I'm so lucky. And obviously, I'm lucky a lot of times. By the end of the day, I can be doing pretty good. This is me with the cutest dog in the whole world. These are my friends. I told them to laugh for the shot, and they obliged perfectly. I know it's hard to believe, but yes, my roommate's face looks like this most of the time. This is my other really good friend. This is me practicing knife throwing. I love it!
What do I want more than anything in the entire world?
That's one of the questions. Okay, well, the obvious answer has always been, my entire life, it's always been wanting to be in a committed relationship or married. But I've been thinking a lot about that, and I'm trying to change that because I don't think it's healthy that I want it so desperately. Another one is just to feel confident, to feel capable and confident, to feel like I can do the things that I want to do. This is the view out my window. This is the bright yellow bathroom. This is my current journal, and this is a book that I'm currently rereading. This is my favorite place to go when I need silence and nature, and this is my favorite coffee shop.
What things bring me joy?
I'm a pretty simple person, actually, as far as what brings me like that momentary joy feeling — pretty small things. Flowers, obviously, anything fuzzy, anything pretty, beauty in general. I love driving. Driving my car brings me joy. Traveling brings me joy. My friend Fernie, he brings me joy. I love him. Nature...nature should have been the first one that I said. Nature in general, hiking, nature, rollerblading, boxing, being able to walk, yoga. Wow, a lot of things bring me joy. I want a dog.
All right. Am I happy with where I am in life? That one's difficult as well. Why am I asking myself such difficult questions? I am proud of myself for living in California. It's an all-in-all good life, but at the same time, I'm very discontent with where I am at in life, as far as being 23 and not having accomplished the things that I've wanted to accomplish. This is my bedroom, but a lot of the time it looks more like this. My room is my safe haven. I love how I decorated it. I used a bunch of fuzzy things. It's cozy and girly, and pretty much everything is from the dollar store. Lately, I've been allowing myself to buy some flowers for the room, and it's added so much joy to my life.
What are some things you really want to learn or do in the next couple of years?
I have a lot. I would like to learn knife throwing. I would like to learn dancing. I would like to get over my fear of dancing. I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I'm working on that. I'd like to have traveled to another country. Yeah, Switzerland, France, Italy, or Austria. I feel like if I just say it out loud, it's going to happen, you know? I want a unicorn.
What are things that I'm trying to work through or get over?
The one that comes to mind, the most obvious one, is getting over my ex-boyfriend. Another thing is my childhood in general, just trying to like rehash it, go over it, figure out the things that happened, and work through them. I think another thing I'm trying to work through is losing my childhood, but it's just kind of weird to think that you're never going to have your childhood again. It's so weird. You get it one time, grieving a period of time that's gone. This is my most recent artwork. This, I love this! This is a map where I documented all of the road trips that I've ever done. This is my wardrobe. These are my favorite boots. These are a few shots of California. This is what I see every day. This is what I do for fun.
What are some questions that I've been trying to find answers to?
This one is so dumb and cliche, but it is one I've been trying to figure out: who I am. I've changed who I am based on who I'm around, and I also have seen myself through the eyes of other people. So I'm trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be. The biggest question is what I'm doing with my life, or what I should be doing with my life, or what can I be doing? That's probably the one question that's been the most overwhelming. This is where I go almost every night to listen to music. These are flowers that a friend gave to me on my 23rd birthday. These are some really special pictures from this year. These tiny glass bottles are holding sand from different places I've traveled to. These are some of my little treasures that I just love.
What am I most afraid of?
That's a great question. The obvious answer is death. I'm most afraid of death. The second most obvious answer is living a life of insignificance, not making any sort of impact or difference, and then dying, and nobody remembering you, and your life was literally just a blip and worthless. So those were like huge perspective ones, like death, that's the biggest perspective, and then a little bit smaller is living a life of insignificance. A little bit smaller, focused more on life itself, is being alone, living a life of loneliness and just being alone for my whole life, the fear of not finding the person that I'm supposed to be with. I'm terrified of getting older. I feel like life is just a downhill, like not an uphill, a downhill.
Where do you want to be five years from today?
I think I already said it, so I'll just say it again. At this point in my life, I would like to be married five years from today. Yeah, or in a committed relationship. Number two, I want a dog. And I want a strong and deep community of people and relationships, like deep relationships.
The most important thing, actually, or one of the most, is I would like to have found that thing. I would like to have found my purpose, the thing that I love to do, and I may get paid to do it, and that thing that, like, just makes me come alive.
As far as personal growth, I want to be confident. I want to have figured out a lot of my limiting beliefs. I would like to be a lot stronger mentally. I would like to have a fully whole heart, like not a heart that is broken or in pieces, but just 100% there. I'd like to learn a lot. I would like to go to college, or maybe not just college, but like a college class, or I would have liked to have taken a course, or, you know, had some more education under my belt, read some more books. Yeah, I would, I would like to not limit myself anymore.
What are some things I'm working on within myself?
I already touched on confidence, kindness, selflessness, not being so self-focused, taking responsibility for my life, to stop feeling helpless and like a victim, fearlessness, anxiety management, depression, trying to figure that out.
What are some of the big lessons that I'm currently learning?
Well, I've already known this, but I'm just continuing to learn it, that you're in so much control, like you have so much control over your confidence and your happiness, your choices. It's very easy for me to feel helpless and like a victim, so I'm learning to try to be responsible and take responsibility for my life, realize how much control you actually have over your life and over your choices. Another big lesson is friendship. Oh my gosh! Relationships in general, like friendships, oh my gosh!
This year I've learned the most I ever have in my life about relationships and friendship. I think I want to ask myself one last question.
Who do I want to be? What kind of person do I want to be?
That's what I was thinking of today, actually. And I really, really, really want to be authentic. I want to be 100% me and not trying to please people, which, again, comes naturally. I want to not care what other people think, which, again, that goes naturally too. I want to take up space and share my opinion if I have one, and I want to set boundaries, and I want to stand up for myself and make sure people don't step all over me, which happens.
I think the biggest is not wanting to care what other people think of me. That's the biggest, and that's like the most limiting one for me. That's the one that has been kind of stopping me from doing a lot of stuff. All things said and done, 23, since turning 23, I'm nine months into it, so fingers crossed, but, 23 has been a breeze.
Nothing has been wrong. Nothing has happened for me. I've been beyond lucky. Yeah, everything's just really, everything is good. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, nothing. I will leave you with this magical floating leaf.