, 11 min read
Hi, I'm back. Why I took a break & other random thoughts/life updates
Welcome to my dead channel.
It should be obvious that I kind of took a break from YouTube. Since I took a couple of months off, the algorithm is punishing me, so my videos will not be successful for maybe years. That was an accident.
I took a break from YouTube because it was causing extreme stress, and I bit off more than I could chew. I couldn’t keep up with the pace that I was going, as far as editing videos and trying to constantly improve. So I’ve decided that, instead of producing quality content, I’m going to just record myself with zero editing, because I just got so overwhelmed with the editing part. So these are going to be non-edited videos, and this is what I initially wanted my channel to be about: just me talking and using YouTube as like a personal journal. So, for at least the next couple of videos, expect a style that is a personal journal, and hopefully I can add an artistic twist as well, because I love being artistic.
Purpose of my YouTube videos
So, as I said, the algorithm doesn’t like me anymore, so my channel is officially dead. My videos will get about 5,000 views each, which is very low. So I’m not going to be trying as hard, but I will be posting, because the reason for my posting is still here, and that is for myself to have a journal. Something that I can look back on to see where I was at certain points in my life, to like see my growth and my journey. And then also because I think that me talking about my struggles makes other people feel better. And if making YouTube videos often makes me feel, like I am on the path of my purpose, like I am on the correct path, whenever I share videos, because it feels like I’m making some sort of impact or some sort of difference, so I’m going to keep doing that.
I found out yesterday, that I only have a month to live in my current living situation. So I’m freaking out about that, but I’ve been avoiding that, trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing. I think I might even leave, or I’m pretty sure I’m going to leave the city that I’m in, and it’ll be a surprise, but I’ll tell you what city I’ve lived in this whole time. It’ll be like a little surprise, because I tried to keep it secret so nobody murdered me. But once I move away, or when I’m about to move away, I can share it. I don’t see why not. It’s a pretty cool city. I’ve liked it, but it’s definitely time to leave. I mean, you know the funny thing is, it’s not quite time to leave, because the thought of leaving makes me sad. Like it’s a little bit too soon, one month, like one month left here.
Anyway, I’m trying to find alternate living situations and trying to figure out what the fuzz I’m doing.
Today I just decided I would use my Saturday off from work to just try to, quote, “enjoy my day,” or just do nothing. As in, go to coffee shops and think about my life. That’s what the goal was for today: was to go to coffee shops and think about my life. I’m thinking about — it’s a dandelion.
Wanting to talk to guys
I don’t know if this is true or not, but I feel now that, like, at the age that I am, early 20s, I always wish that I could be friends with guys and I wish that I could talk to guys in a friendly way, obviously, because that takes all the pressure off, and I just would love to, like, be that friendly person who strikes up conversations, and like, I see people all the time that I want to talk to, but not in a romantic way. Like, I’m not attracted to them. It’s just like I want to have a friendly conversation. Anyone who’s from a small town will understand that mentality, because everyone in small towns talks to each other, and it’s friendly and welcoming and warm and nice, and I want to do that.
But I feel like I’m not allowed to, and I don’t ever initiate those conversations, because I feel like if I ever initiate a conversation with any man, he will immediately think that it means that I’m interested in him, like romantically. It just seems like I have this prison. I feel like it’s a prison where I can’t strike up a conversation or talk to a guy without him thinking that I’m romantically interested in him. Like, how can you initiate a nice, friendly conversation for no reason, just like a friendly exchange, without this person thinking you’re interested? Like, I kind of want to walk up and be like,
“Hi, I’m not interested in you romantically, but I would love to have a conversation with you.”
That’s what I would like to communicate.
But yeah, I was thinking about that today, because I saw plenty of people at the coffee shop. I was feeling lonely today, obviously, and I always want to talk to people, so I was seeing these guys at coffee shops, and I suppose I can interact with women as well, but it’s almost easier to strike up a random conversation with a guy, but I just wanted to, like, talk to somebody for that, you know, the time in the coffee shop, but I feel like I can’t.
Kicked out
Anyway, so there’s been two tough things going on in my life right now. One is that I just got kicked out of where I’m living. I got kicked out of my room, for no reason. Their reason was that they want to spread around the blessing of cheap rent to multiple people, so they’re just replacing me with somebody else. I think the real reason is because I’m awkward and I avoided them, so I didn’t do great building connection. So that’s awful that I have to leave in one month, and I have no idea what I’m doing, so that’s stressful.
The other bad thing is that I had a really big crush on somebody, and he rejected me and got a girlfriend. So, I’m struggling with him recently dating a girlfriend. Yeah, I know.
Anyway, so what did I do? I got myself a very expensive flower, an orchid. There weren’t that many options at the store, and I saw this orchid first, and I was like, “Oh, it’s so beautiful.” And I was like,
“Oh, ten dollars? No way. It was 9.99? No way. I’m not gonna get that. Too much.”
And I was like,
“Wait, are you not worth ten dollars? Like, right now you’re really sad, and it would make you happier to have a beautiful flower. Like you.”
It was almost like a practice of teaching myself that I was worth that, and then nobody else is going to give it to me, so I have to, like, give it to myself, when I’m single and alone. I got myself other cheaper flowers. These were four dollars, my puppies. And then this was literally — I just went to the store and, like, bought things that would make me happy.
I got a bulky one of my favorite desserts. I know I’m just zooming into my mouth. It’s just this camera is so weird. The bread is not anything. I got myself a pizza for tonight so that I don’t have to cook, because I hate cooking, and I got myself some chocolate. And I’m not gonna eat all of this tonight, but it’ll just be over the coming days, and I’ll get to look at my beautiful flowers. And I have this one. There’s something about flowers. Flowers make me so happy.
You know what another thing I got, weirdly? Kalamata olives. I love them. I literally can eat half a jar in one sitting. And yes, I know I’m probably gonna die young. Anyway, so hey buddy!
Three reasons for the break
1. I’m on my lunch break at work, and I guess before I wrap up the video, I want to just say a couple of the reasons why I took a break. I think the main one actually was that I got so drained and heavy-hearted from all the negative comments, which I know I’ve gotten 99% positive. I don’t want to defend it. It’s just how I felt. So those really got to me. There was so much negativity that was hitting me, because I read all the comments on all my videos.
And it’s just I was like,
“This might be a huge, massive mistake to be so personal, because you give other people um, so much power to very personally insult you and your character.”
And a lot of people would hit on the things that I was most insecure about or the things that I care the most about, like insulting my character. So that really got to me. So I kept considering and I keep considering what would happen if I turned off the comments completely, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I do that for the next few videos.
I love connecting with the people that I love and are positive and encouraging, but it just makes me want to quit every time I read the horrible comments, because then I’m like,
“Why am I doing this?”
The negative comments make me feel like I’m not even making any kind of positive difference, and actually, I’m making a negative difference by bringing more negativity to the internet.
Even my last video was negative or it generated so much negative response, just me talking um, so I’m trying to think about that.
So that was the main reason.
2. The second reason, like one I just thought of, was the music. I hate having to decide between crappy music and more crappy music, because you can’t use anything copyrighted, and all the best music is copyrighted. Like, all my favorite songs, I can’t use. And I would hear so many beautiful songs in normal day-to-day life, and I would be like,
“Oh, I’d love to use that in a video, but I can’t.”
And instead, I have to pick from non-copyrighted music, which is all crap, unless I buy. I think it’s called SoundCloud. No, I don’t know what it’s called, but what is it called? It’s the one that Yana Yintin uses. But it’s a different thing, but you have to pay for it to get better music, better quality music.
So I just felt like all the music I was using and choosing from sucked.
3. Another reason was just that my life got so hectic and crazy, and I felt like I couldn’t keep up making videos, especially the kinds of videos that I was making, which entailed a lot of effort and work and time, and frustration with the editing app.
The editing app sucked. I ran out of storage as well on my phone. That was just kind of a basic thing. I ran out of storage, and I decided, like, I couldn’t continue with this horrible editing app, so I had to learn Premiere Pro. But if anyone has ever looked at Premiere Pro, it looks like an algebra problem. It’s so intimidating. It’s so, so intimidating. I felt like I could never learn it. Like, it seems like you need to take a college class to learn how to do Premiere Pro. So I got too intimidated by that.
Back to the basics
But the thing is, I went down the wrong path with YouTube, because once I started getting views, I started making videos, not authentically. But just videos where I was talking to the audience, where I would be speaking to the audience and trying to help the audience, like, talking to you like you were watching. And I don’t like that. I don’t like that style of video at all. Like, for me, it’s just made me slightly more inauthentic, and I wasn’t even trying.
It wasn’t conscious. It was just because I suddenly knew that people were watching and listening to me, so then I started thinking unconsciously about,
“What am I saying? And like, am I saying this the right way?”
Even my tone of voice and how I would speak would change, like, you know, when you get on the phone and you suddenly have phone voice, like,
“Hi, I would like to order a hamburger, please.”
You know, like the super polite, super friendly, outgoing thing that you put on. I started doing that in my videos, just completely unconsciously, just because I knew people were watching.
So I’m trying to go back to the basics, where I’m just talking to a cell phone and I’m alone in my car, and I’m acting like there’s not a soul that’s going to watch this, because that’s the kind of video that I want to look back on. I want to see my real self when I watch my videos. And I want you to see a real person, completely real. This is me, not putting anything on, not any kind of show.
So yeah, those were the reasons, and I just talked for six minutes. This might be the end of the video. I thought of a good word. You should say “pickles” if you finish this video. Comment “pickles.”