, 10 min read
A Woman's Perspective on Male Sexuality, Part 1 **Warning: Triggering**
Male sexuality.
I'm going to do a therapy session, where I am going to attempt to get every one of my thoughts, or a lot of them, out onto the page metaphorically.
Childhood
I never know where to begin, so I'm going to begin at the very beginning. Child me, basically, as background. Child me loved men. Loved as in, I idolized men. And from a very, very young age, I was attracted to older men for some reason. Maybe it's normal. My first crushes, when I was like five years old, were older men, like in their 40s. Like 20s, 30s, 40s. And it was all innocent and cute and sweet. Nothing happened. It was just like, ..., I remember the first time. I was a little sheltered, like Christian growing up. And the first time I ever saw a man shirtless, I was like, "Whoo, I like him!" And he was like 40 and married, and I was like six.
But yeah, I had crushes, and they were so innocent and sweet. I would picture like talking to a boy or holding hands. I couldn't even get as far as kissing; I was so innocent. And then, as background to try to understand where I'm coming from, it's hard to explain, but I was very sheltered, and I knew nothing about boys. So very much because I was raised strictly, like a very strict version of Christian, like fundamentalist or whatever you want to call it, where men and women were separated growing up, for the most part. Men were so separated from the women where it was like, it was bad if a boy was interacting with a girl. And also, boys were taught some sort of hatred or looking down on women to the point where, as a girl growing up, I was bullied by a bunch of boys all the time, like church boys, because they thought girls were yucky or like dumb or stupid or something like that. I still don't quite understand.
So I kind of grew up thinking I was ugly, which I actually was, like I went through the awkward stage of being actually ugly. And I just thought that boys didn't like me and that I was unlikable and unattractive. And I didn't really understand how the dynamics of boys and girls worked.
Teenager
So fast forward to when I was a teenager, and I started developing. I started getting attention from boys. And not just boys, but college boys as well, when I was like 15, 14. And also, just any man would give me some attention. And all of this positive attention, compliments, or even like cat-calling on the street when I was a teenager, I took all of that positively. I was like, "They like me. They think I'm pretty. They might want to go on a date with me." I didn't think that clearly, but I didn't think that it was bad in any way. The attention felt nice and sweet and good, and it built me up. It built my confidence, and I thought that these men and boys liked me. Like the word "like," like I thought they liked me.
I'm going really fast, but it was, and again, this makes me sound so sheltered, but it wasn't until I was 19, 20, 21, 22, and still now, figuring out that all of that attention from strangers and boys that I knew, all of it was sexual attention. And I had no idea, no idea that these boys and men didn't actually like me. They liked my body. They just liked how I looked in short shorts and tight jeans, and their compliments were always like, "I like your jeans" or "I like your shirt, I like how things fit on you." Like for real, in high school, a boy once said with a smirk, "I like those jeans," and all of his guys around him giggled and laughed, and they were a really tight pair of skinny jeans or something. And I was like, "Thank you," and like that compliment made my day because, at the time, I know this is awful, but in high school, I had no idea that boys looked at me sexually. That he didn't like my jeans; he liked how my ass looked in my jeans, and I did not realize that. And I just took it as this sweet compliment.
Sexual attraction
So I finally started learning, thanks to the internet and thanks to just life, that men look at women sexually, like purely only sexually. And that every time I go out in public, men are checking me out every second. It's hard to explain, but there's this transition where I loved these men. I loved men growing up. I had crushes, and I thought that my interactions with men were sweet and pure and cute, like a movie or a book. And that boys who had crushes on me or liked me, that they liked me, like my personality and who I am. And that it wouldn't matter what I looked like or what my body looked like.
So I viewed all that attention as positive until I realized that men just, they have like this separation between liking a girl versus wanting to sleep with a girl. And that it took me literally throughout my entire first relationship to realize that a guy can want to sleep with a woman without having feelings for her. That took me until like 20, 21 years old to finally figure out that guys don't have feelings for women. Like, it's coming out, the passion is coming out. This is the number one most triggering topic for me, number one. That men don't like me. Like every time a guy gives me attention, he doesn't like me. He doesn't like my personality. If I had a different face or a different body, he wouldn't like me. He's looking at my body.
Eyes on me
It's so frustrating. Every time I go outside, every time I go in public, I feel men's eyes on me. I turn around, and I see men's eyes on my ass. I see men checking my whole body out, and it doesn't feel good anymore. It stopped feeling good the moment that I realized that men stare at every woman all the time, every woman's bodies. They care about bodies. They look at your boobs; they look at your butt. Like they only care about what my body looks like, and they're doing it to every other girl. It's not special. It doesn't make you special. It doesn't make you beautiful. It doesn't mean anything other than they're objectifying what you look like. And they don't want to love you. They don't want to be in a relationship with you. They don't want to take care of you in the sense of like if you're sick or if down the road you were together and you got cancer. They just want to have sex with you for a while with no feelings attached. This is coming out so badly. But it's basically that the attention from men I thought was positive and sweet and cute turned negative when I realized that men don't have feelings for you, like a million percent of the time, and maybe one percent of the time they do fall in love. But even when they fall in love, it's like accidental, and they're like, "Oh crap, now I can't have one-night stands anymore."
Oh, okay, that was really bad. Okay. I'm like digging through my subconscious right now.
So I ended up having quite a negative view of male sexuality, where I don't view, oh, a guy wants to have sex with me or a guy thinks that I'm attractive, I don't view that positively at all, because they want to have sex with every woman, and they find almost every woman attractive. So what's special about that? And also, they make it very clear and loud that once you turn 25, which I am, I'm a 25-year-old, that you've become unattractive. This is all subconscious crap in my head, but all of this is counteracted by conscious thoughts, which is, I know that I'm beautiful. I'm going to be beautiful for 20 more years at least, and even after that, I'll be beautiful in a different way. And I also know that there are men in different areas of the internet and world and man worlds that do find women attractive all the time, and I've met tons of them. But the point is that men tell me, and there's this internet portion of men who tell me, that I am unattractive, unlovable, unwanted the second that I reach a certain age. So why should I somehow value or respect or cherish men's attention towards me, if I know that it's temporary and it's dependent on my youth?
So yeah, nothing is special about it. I don't value it.
Sex and feelings
I realized that men can have sex forever with one woman. Like doing these friends with benefit situations without feelings. When I was young and by young I mean like 19 and 20, even I thought that men who had sex with women had feelings for those women. I thought it was impossible to have sex with a woman without feeling anything for her. I've heard so many things about like men going to clubs to pick up women to sleep with. Then in the morning, looking at her and being repulsed. It's like, "Why did you do that?" It's because of male sexuality. They couldn't help it. They were just so horny that they had to grab some ugly person they thought was ugly and use her for the night. Basically all of it is down to, men just want to use women. Men just want to use me. While I'm young they want to use me. When I get older they are like on to the next. On to the next, nobody cares about you. You're ugly, unwanted. It's ridiculous.
Sex and age
The other thing is more about men is that there are tons of men that if I did post this in the comments, they would be relishing this, they would be happy. They would be like:
- this is what you get for being a woman
- this is how it should be
That like you get all this male attention and then all of a sudden, it's all dried up, and that's what you deserve. There's this hatred.
Anyway, I'm getting off-topic. There's another whole section, which I probably won't be able to record because of my phone storage. But I will say a huge massive portion of this.
Sexual abuse during childhood
Something what I'm just gonna say, disgust towards male sexuality, is that I was sexually abused, when I was a child, a very young child. I was four years old and seven through nine, or seven through ten, or something like that, I was sexually abused by two different people and used. Just the absolute worst disgusting behavior by men who couldn't control themselves. I'm so sick of that, like gender biology they can't control it, which I think that's the basis for all of this anger pent up. Anger that to me, male sexuality is men who can't control themselves. It's all about using women for themselves. It's about throwing and discarding women. It's about having no feelings towards women. Like everything is sex, sex, sex, sex.
Staring
I can't walk down the street as a normal human, without being objectified, and turned into a sex doll by strangers, who are staring at my ass, all the time, every single day and following me around and staring at me. If I bend over they stare at me. If I'm literally just trying to like pick something up, or tie my shoe, or dig through my car, I turn around there's a guy staring at my ass. Not a compliment, not respectful, not great. I hate it and I am a self-conscious, low confidence person, most of the time being stared at by men. Constantly old men having to walk past, men sitting on benches, while they stare at me. I can't stand it. Men, you don't know what it's like you might stare at a woman for a good 10 seconds and you're like oh that's probably the only person who stares at her for 10 seconds straight that day. Nope, there are men who will just like unguardedly just stare at me. Also it's not a friendly stare in the least. It's a growl. It's like just staring. Just staring. Their whole head turns. It makes me so uncomfortable and it's constant.
I can hear comments saying, oh well, good for you, as you get older and uglier no man will want you. So you should just relish the attention. Why should I relish this attention. It's not positive attention. It's just, oh I would fuck that person, and I would do that to any other girl, too.