21st June 2026, 12 min read

Some Thoughts (September 2025)

1. Choosing Meaning and Staying Alive

Sometimes when I see a child with pure joy on their face, I just want to tell them, "You have no idea what's coming."

The amount that life throws at you—the amount of bullshit that life throws at you as an adult—is just one thing after another. You're drowning, and life throws you more. It's crazy.

I remember as a teenager, I would see adults around me and think to myself, These adults are all dead. They're all dead. And I still see that. Most adults are dead. I always remember swearing to myself that I would never become that way. I swore I would never lose the aliveness, the hope, the passion for things, the lust for life, and the ability to be present.

It has happened a little bit—that slow dying, losing hope slowly, and feeling crushed. But it hasn't won. Not even close.

The key for me is my set of values—what I value in life, and how the most important thing is what meaning you make out of your experiences. What meaning do you attach to your experiences, especially your experiences of pain, rejection, or loss? People don't realize that you can come to different conclusions, and you get to choose which conclusion you come to.

A lot of people will say, "Well, I got hurt over and over. I got cheated on. Therefore, I will never love again. The lesson that I learned is to never trust." I want to tell those people that that's not the only conclusion you can come to. You get to choose.

2. The Cycle of Intimacy and Rejection

I've been having some horrible losses and painful moments with dating since I tried to start opening up to connection again. But you have to choose what meaning you make out of it.

For the longest time, I did a lot of personal work around the idea that "every man leaves me." I used to think it meant these men were deciding there was something wrong with me—that I was broken, unlikable, or that they disliked me. I could never figure out what it was because the pattern was always the same. This pattern has repeated a good eight to nine times.

1. Initial Attraction: A man is initially very attracted to me. The initial attraction is never a problem.
2. Extreme Excitement: They have a moment of extreme excitement when we connect. They say, "Whoa, this is crazy. This is amazing. You make me feel really good."
3. Deepening Connection: They want to get closer, and we do. I show them what real intimacy, closeness, acceptance, and care look like. It opens them up every time. They show vulnerability and excitement.
4. The Disappearance: All of a sudden, they're gone.

I always thought this meant something was broken in me or that I was doing connection wrong. But now, I think I understand. Offering such depth, safety, attunement, intimacy, and acceptance opens them up. They drop their guard and become vulnerable. And that is terrifying. Even though I mean it as a gift, it's scary for them, and they leave.

The meaning I'm making out of all of this now is that I'm not going to conclude that I'm broken or defective. If I am rejected by men over and over, it doesn't mean I'm unlikable or undeserving. I'm coming to a different conclusion: I offer something really beautiful, intense, and deep, and not everyone is built for it.

I'm also trying to come to grips with the fact that I have a lot of power. My power is the ability to create an atmosphere of acceptance and safety where men feel like they can drop their guard. Because that is a terrifying place for them to be, I need to learn how to be a little less intense or a little slower with it.

3. Understanding the Brain: DMN vs. ECN

I've been processing a whole shitload of thoughts lately, mostly around processing childhood trauma and learning more about how my own brain works. It is absolutely fascinating. I just learned about the DMN (Default Mode Network) and the ECN (Executive Control Network), which are different brain states you can be in. This has opened up a whole new world of understanding for me.

It helps explain why I'm such a "weirdo" and why I relate to a very rare kind of person. I hypothesize that I spend 98% to 99% of my time in the DMN state.

Because I spend the majority of my time in the DMN, that part of me is highly developed, while the practical adulting part is not. I'm a floundering adult when it comes to adult tasks. But as far as insight, intuition, self-reflection, inner knowing, metacognition, and having a relationship with myself? I'm really good in that area.

Spending so much time in the DMN also explains why I come across as so intense to others. Because I'm so comfortable feeling and thinking deeply, it can make it hard for people to relate to me, and vice versa.

Sometimes people will tell me about a major breakthrough they just had, and it's something I've already thought about in depth for many years. It’s also why a lot of older people tell me they are just realizing things that I share in my videos. People will comment, "I can't believe you came to that conclusion. I just came to that conclusion, and I'm 60."

4. The Weight of Intensity and Abstract Thinking

I've been thinking a lot about my intensity and the way I overwhelm people. As self-reflective as I am, I have a complete blind spot regarding how I am intense. I'm just existing as my normal self, and I don't understand when I'm being too overwhelming for another person. But that pattern has followed me my entire life with boyfriends and other relationships. People tell me I think too much.

I've realized that the way my brain thinks is different from a lot of people. I have a very abstract, interconnected thinking style. My mind is like a web where one thought branches off and leads into ten other thoughts.

My ex-boyfriend once frustratedly told me:

"Whenever you have a thought, it's like you have to look at it from every single angle. You have to pick it apart and dissect it before you're content or feel like you understand it. Whereas I just see what something is, I know what it is, and I'm done."

His insight helped me look at how my mind works. It's true: I have to dissect each thought in my head, circling it from different angles to find a conclusion. I'm not talking about basic everyday thoughts, but philosophical or self-awareness thoughts.

When my brain gets fired up—especially in an intellectually stimulating conversation—I start thinking in explosions of thoughts. I feel a need to "word vomit" because expressing the thought is the final step in my processing. I am a mix of a verbal processor and an abstract connective processor. If I don't express the thoughts, they build up really quickly, and I feel like I'm literally going to explode.

This is why speaking and expressing myself is a desperate need for me. It’s why I have multiple Instagram accounts, why I journal, why I write short stories, and why I make YouTube videos. Saying it out loud clarifies and releases the thought. (By the way, this video is essentially my personal diary and journal entry, but anyone is welcome to comment with their thoughts on how I think!)

5. Processing Childhood Trauma and the Terror of Men

I have put a massive amount of work into processing childhood trauma. The more I look into it, the more I realize how deeply it has affected me. Things I thought were just personal flaws are actually studied, textbook results of trauma that other survivors deal with too.

One of my biggest recent breakthroughs involves my view of men. I used to feel immense awkwardness around men because my dad didn't allow me to date growing up, so men felt like aliens. But it went deeper. I started doing deep dives into why I feel pure rage when a stranger stares at me, whereas some women enjoy male attention. Even worse: when it's a stranger, I feel rage; but when it's a man I'm actually interested in, I completely shut down.

I finally realized that on a date with a man I am attracted to, my nervous system perceives him as the biggest threat possible. It triggers a full nervous system shutdown.

• Your mind goes entirely blank.
• You are paralyzed in your own mind.
• You cannot speak, think, or function.
• Your body essentially "plays dead."

Needless to say, playing dead on a date never works out. This shutdown was a protective response—my brain was subconsciously trying to repel men. Consciously, I wanted to find love and date, but my body language was communicating: Stay away. Don't come near me.

This terror wasn't normal shyness; it was a full trauma lens. My body fully perceived men as threats based on my childhood.

6. Escaping Survival Mode and Finding Peace

Growing up, my family constantly convinced me that nothing that bad really happened in my childhood. But being away from it, I am realizing it was horrendous. It was a crazy, intense, violent, hostile environment. It involved daily, consistent abuse.

Living in that environment meant I was in full survival mode for the majority of my life. My trauma lens kept me constantly jumpy. Even now, safe in my bedroom, a tiny sound will make me jerk because my subconscious feels unsafe, hunted, and ready to be attacked.

When you are abused in childhood, you can't recognize it fully because trauma teaches you to blame yourself for everything. Consequently, I fell into familiar patterns and spent my life surrounding myself with abusive people who actively harmed and tortured me.

A year ago, I finally got away from every harmful person in my life. Initially, it was pure grief and terror. Trauma logic told me: I'm alone in the world. I can't take care of myself. But once I got through that phase, I felt a desperate urge to spend time alone and reconnect with myself.

For years, I had been in a mental state of constant escape because my internal experience was so painful. I was constantly triggered, crying over people, and trying to fix things. But once I removed those people, I experienced internal peace and a regulated calm for the first time in my life. It feels like the safety I occasionally felt as a young child in the forest.

7. How the Nervous System Heals

I’ve been getting to know my nervous system really well. When you are in survival mode, your coping mechanisms trick you into thinking you are okay. But when your body finally feels safe, your nervous system relaxes just a tiny bit, and it begins releasing trauma memories and physiological reactions.

It absolutely, positively gets so much worse before it gets better.

The process brings on states of extreme panic that feel almost unbearable. But the science shows that your brain will not go through this process unless it feels you are finally strong enough to handle it.

If you choose never to work through it, you will survive using coping mechanisms, but you will never live a full life or experience who you could have been. Trauma controls your choices, your goals, and who you are attracted to. Dropping the self-hatred allows you to accept that you were a helpless child, that you did nothing to deserve it, and that these horrible things simply happened to you.

I couldn't process this when I was younger because I was too fragile and locked in numbness just to survive. Your brain locks the terror away until you are safe enough to handle the release.

8. Reclaiming Identity and Femininity

In my childhood environment, my dad forced us to be entirely obedient and submissive. Any act of independence, autonomy, or independent thought was punished. Femininity was shamed, mocked, and judged. At the same time, expressing anything masculine was also punished because my dad believed "boys are boys and girls are girls," but also that "girls are below men and must obey."

As a result, I couldn't express any masculine parts of myself, and I hated everything feminine about myself. I literally felt cursed by being a woman. Throughout my 20s, I’ve had to unpack all of that to figure out who the fuck I am—learning how to express both my femininity and my masculinity without shame. I had to build an identity out of a total shell of a person, and I’ve done a good job of it.

Lately, I’ve been working on inner self-trust. Trauma can stunt your development; internally, part of me feels wise and mature, but another part feels like a child locked in an adult's body, terrified that I can't take care of myself.

Some people react to trauma by becoming overly functional. My reaction was helplessness. But I am taking care of myself. I am making leaps and bounds in self-trust.

9. The Richness of My Inner World

My favorite place in the world is inside my own head. People tell me it's a waste of time, but I remind them of death: "We're all going to end up in the ground, so you don't get to tell me what is a waste of my time." You don't tell a philosopher they think too much.

Inside my mind is rich, vibrant, colorful, and exciting. I feel an extreme amount of fascination when I make connections in my head, understand my past, and see how everything is interconnected.

Day-to-day life is boring as hell, so I get through it by thinking bigger. I ponder meaning, connection, psychology, and the frameworks of existence. I even run little psychology experiments on myself to figure out how to navigate life in the healthiest way possible.

Healing myself has been incredibly difficult, but I’ve been doing it since I was 19. Now I am in therapy, reading books, and finally starting to feel what it feels like to be a secure, functional human being. I have agency, power, and confidence. I look around and wonder: Is this what it feels like for other people? Is it this easy to exist when you aren't torturing yourself or loving people who hurt you?

10. A New Framework for the Future

Trauma limits your options, making you feel like you have no future. Healing opens the world up. I’m finally getting over my terror of men to the point where I can experience connection. I realize I have options; I am no longer stuck on one toxic person out of a false need for safety. And if a connection ends, it doesn't feel like I'm dying anymore, because I've got myself.

If something ends, it just means we weren't aligned—not that I am broken or that I fucked it up.

I am 27, single as fuck, and navigating dating like a middle schooler because I have so little experience. I'm riding a bike for the first time, flailing around, but learning so much more than I did last year.

In a previous video, I said I didn't want to be physical with a man before falling in love. I've realized that rule came from purity culture and internalized misogyny—telling myself I wasn't allowed to feel desire. I recently had an experience where I was genuinely attracted to someone on a first date, and they made me feel safe. It completely changed my perspective. I realized I hadn't actually been attracted to any of my previous dates.

Moving forward, my new framework for dating is simple: I am looking for a man who I am simultaneously attracted to and feel safe with.

I am done continuously giving men a chance out of internalized misogyny, acting like a "pick-me girl" who settles for less. I have spent too many years settling and being tortured. If my heart is going to be ripped to shreds, it's not going to be by someone I settled for. I know what it feels like to starve in a relationship, and I'm not going to do it anymore. I am going to look for exactly what I want.